Date: 7/1/2004 6:45:00 PM
From Authorid: 34487
Well, this post hits me at home since I can relate. It's great that you want to help, you're obviously a very caring and generous person. Helping someone that's been abused is a touchy subject because first and foremost they've learned to only rely on themself. Especially, when others stood by during the abuse and did nothing. A person that's been abused in any fashion also learns to detach themselves from anything very quickly. It's part of the natural defense system we supply ourselves with. Yep, it can cause all kinds of problems later in life and for most, it causes a lot of self-destructive behaviors. Due to the pain and because we need an oulet to release it, we take it out on ourselves. There are some that take it out on others but most internalize the pain. I've tried many ways to find a healthy way to rid myself of the demons of my past but most have failed. I too, have practiced MANY self-distructive behaviors and knew what I was doing but couldn't stop myself. I've been on anti-depressives, which didn't work. Things that keep a person going that's been abused, can be their personal religious beliefs, hopes or the care of others they love. I don't live for myself and many that have been abused don't either. I live for my family. I realize I need to be around to raise my son and I WANT to be there for him. As a person on the outside, you have a difficult spot. You can gently tell him that what ever he wants to talk to you about, he can. Let him know he can trust you and tell him you'll prove that to him. You can't change him but you can help him see that even if he can't change his actions or feelings, he can change the way he thinks. He can change the way he looks at his future and see a more positive prospect. I'm pro-counseling and therapy and even pro-antidepressants if they work. I wish it worked for everyone but sometimes what has been done to someone in their past, doesn't stay there. On the issue of him helping his father even after his abuse from him...this is common. My family has a history of all kinds of abuse and most of us are still in communication. The person that abused me, is actually very close to me now. We never used to be but she did change quite a bit with medication and I think she's now remorseful. My stepfather also abused me and my sister but I was reunited with him at my youngest sister's wedding two years ago. My older sister didn't want to talk to him but I wanted to. I could feel the regret and remorse in his voice and he apologized for "things that happened when your mom and I were together." It didn't remove the pain and memories but the confrontation made my pain, anger and emotions justified. This did give me some peace. I had to forgive to go on. Am I still self-destructive, Yep. I probably always will be in some way, it's learned. Your friend probably always will be too. I'll put you both in my prayers and it's good to see someone care as much as you do for a friend. Good luck to you and him and I hope things get better.  |
Date: 7/1/2004 7:04:00 PM
From Authorid: 42945
well hunny, you would have to walk a few miles in his shoes to understand how he must think...why he runs after such a cruel man is known only to him...I don't know about often fathers are rougher on their sons, if my hubby had been cruel on my sons he would have known what for!!!!I feel for the young man now, as his father's treatment over the years have obviously affected him, but in that being said, he is an adult now, and can get professional help if he is finding it difficult to cope with life in general, but if he doesn't, that is his choice as well, and I don't think you can really do anything about it except to be there for him, and I might add, to just listen, be a sounding board and a strong shoulder to lean on, that's the best thing you can do for him....sheeshhhhh, no wonder there are so many screwed up adults in the world today, when a child cannot turn to there mother or father when being abused upsets me no end...so sad.....and you are a good friend in wanting to help him hunny....hugs  |
Date: 7/1/2004 7:14:00 PM
From Authorid: 55251
You have to realize that you can feel bad for someone, but you are not the one responsible for what happened. If he doesn't want help you should respect him for that, because after all it is his life and its his choice if he wants help or not. You are a great friend for wanting to help him, perhaps just letting him know that you are there for him when he needs you, or whenever he decide he wants to talk about it will be good enough  Whatever happens, I hope everything works out great,  |
Date: 7/1/2004 11:39:00 PM
From Authorid: 52489
Sadly, the best thing you can do is be his friend and let him vent. Encourage him to seek professional help: a good counselor or psychiatrist can help him deal with his feelings toward his stepfather. It's important that he deal with these feelings before they boil over. As much as you feel for him, you can't take his pain for him--you can only help him deal with it.  |
Date: 7/2/2004 12:50:00 AM
From Authorid: 11348
I think you just need to be there for him. Give him an understanding ear and a shoulder to lean on. I can understand completely how it could be very hard for him to trust in this situation, so try not to push him. If he wants to get psychiatric help he might benefit from that by learning to move past his hurt and anger, but that needs to be his own decision. I really think all you can do is be a good friend. If I were you, I'd let him bring the topic up because it's probably painful and not something he'll want to talk about often. Maybe by his still maintaining a relationship with his dad he is trying to form a better relationship, so that the anger of his hurtful memories can fade a little.  |
Date: 7/2/2004 5:48:00 AM
From Authorid: 62552
I'm in a very similar situation with my friend. His mother is a stripper and part-time prostitute. She is currently in prison for prostitution and supplying alcohol to a minor and tax evasion and a whole other heap of stuff. She's been married several times, and my friend has been neglected. When he wasn't neglected, he was beat, sexually and mentally abused by people he trusted, which drove him to a crisis and he ended up in juvi more than once. He moved here to "get away from it all" considering his current step father was trying to drug him on illegal drugs claiming them to be headache tablets or something of the sort. Everything was going fine for him here until one of the teachers saw his scars from when he slashed his wrists. The school counsellor dealt with him very, very badly, and since then he's been back on the drugs, back on the alcohol, which lead to a fight at school, meaning he got suspended the first week back next term. His quote: "If I'm going to *bleep* myself, and fail myself, I might as well go and do it back in America and let *step fathers name* take care of it" I haven't seen him since. I hope the advice you got from everybody else helps...  |
Date: 7/2/2004 6:27:00 AM
From Authorid: 62624
Honey, be there for him, but truly, this is out of your hands. He needs professional help but first most, he needs to recognize himself that he needs the help. So sad. Kimberley  |
Date: 7/2/2004 6:50:00 AM
From Authorid: 62766
To help him Is just to be there for him. Even if showing it has nothing to do with the situation. Make him trust you EVEN if its the smalliest things. It only takes one friend  |
