, , , , , , , , "Money" , , , , , , , , , WOODEN NICKEL |
"Money"
It can buy a House But not a Home
It can buy a Bed But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock But not Time
It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine But not Health
It can buy you Blood But not Life
It can buy you Sex But not Love
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money..... ...and I will suffer for you.
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. Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
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Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!
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. I had run across the term cybersex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.
I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.
So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it. Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.
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Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question. "Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here" he said to St. Peter. "That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter. "But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!" "Very well Michael. As you wish…look through the gates." He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach. "Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing on that course!" Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!" "Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."
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Mickey was complaining to his friend about the problems he was having with his stubborn wife. "She gets me so angry sometimes I.. I.. I could almost hit her!" he exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," his friend replied, "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her." Shaking his head, Mickey replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants off, I'm not mad anymore."
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Mommy, Mommy! The milk mans here. Have you got the money or do you want me to go out and play?
Mommy, Mommy!, why are we pushing the car over the cliff? Shut up son or you'll wake your father. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Shut up son and get the marshmallows! Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child? Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast? Shut up son and reload. Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14! Shut up Stanley.
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