. Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
==================================== Dr. Reports"
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
6. Healthy appearing decrepit 99 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused an autopsy.
8. The patient has no past history of suicides.
9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
====================================
. The young man told his father, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy."
His father told him he'd better make up his mind.
================================
Today I felt a burden, And I knew that I should pray For God's spirit seemed to tell me, That you were having a bad day.
I don't know what the problem is, But I sure do know the cure And if you'll only let Him God will keep you safe and secure.
In life there's always problems Cropping up to spoil our day But my friend you know the answer All you have to do is pray.
If you still feel you're defeated And you want to run and hide Just reach out and I'll be there Standing right there by your side.
So remember, Whisper Jesus, For He's just a prayer away, He's so close that you can touch Him All you have to do is pray.
====================================
Two not-too-bright guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second guy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the day ends. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or ...
I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can grumble about my health or...
I can rejoice that I am alive.
Today I can mourn my lack of friends or...
I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or...
I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or...
I can feel honored because Life has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul
Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor Who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!
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