Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
================================ Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science." ================== Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss Dawson?" Miss Dawson decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Tommy." Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a darn' pig!" ===================== Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment." Priest: "Why, Luigi?" Luigi: "I think I married my sister." Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?" Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!" ================ Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said to the doctor, "I wanted to see you because I think I am gay." "Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?" "Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father." "That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary." "Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay." "Really?" said the doctor, intrigued. "That's right. And so are my two uncles and my cousin." "That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest greatly piqued. "Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family who has sex with women?" "Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."
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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
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Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked fulltime, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. One day Charley, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So one evening, he declared to do her work. When Mary arrived home from work she was surprised to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished and wanted to know immediately what was going on. Upon asking, Charley told about the magazine article. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said, "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
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Mexican Police Officer: "So, do you know the criminal Pablo Sanchez?" Juan (Just Taken Prisoner): "Know him? Yesterday, I am riding my horse, and the horse he stop to make droppings in the road. Pablo Sanchez step out from bushes, holding very big pistola, and tells me to get down. Then he points to the droppings and says, 'you must eat all of that'. And what can I do? He has the very big gun, so I start to eat. Pablo is laughing. He laughs so hard that he drops the big gun. I quick grab it, and say, 'Now, Pablo, you must eat!' "And what can Pablo do? I now have the very big gun. So Pablo eat all the rest of that pile. "So, you ask do I know Pablo Sanchez? Why, just yesterday Pablo and I have lunch together."
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